I feel like the post I wrote about the sky not falling in on me the other day was a slight underexaggeration of how I am really feeling and THERE... I said it and it feels kinda good to get off my chest.
Now if only I can get this ten ton weight off my chest too I may be able to catch my breath.
Last night I had the first full blown panic attack I've had in a loooong time. The type where you just feel a desperate need to run away and yet... you can't, there is no where to run.
It was the type where your heart is pounding so hard you can feel the veins down the side of your temple throbbing in time to your beating heart.
The type where you go outside to try and fill your lungs with air and yet the black of the night feels so damn suffocating and claustrophobic.
The type where you know you have to put on the bright happy face, even though all you want to do is curl up in a little ball and pretend that crying will make you feel better.
Anxiety has loved me long time. It's been something I have lived with since my first panic attack at aged 21.
The return of it this time has come on the back of a crazy few weeks of renovating and moving and hemorrhaging our entire savings and safety savings and then some into a business that deep down in the depth of my soul I believe in... however the constant overwhelming questioning I put myself through that includes but is not limited to - "will it work out? will people still come? will we be ok? will I be able to pay all the bills that have built up?" rings so freaking loud in my head that there is no room for any thoughts other than ones that are created from my own fear.
I'm tired, I'm emotional and aside from the renos and the move, I am working every waking hour in the day on every other possible form of income to try and cover all the unexpected costs that keep popping up.
Somewhere along the way though, self doubt has taken a strangle hold and despite having people around me assuring me "you will be ok Sonia" the thought of maybe not being ok continues to taunt me.
I had my bra stuffed full of crystals yesterday morning. I had so many crystals in there that my boobs literally jangled as I walked.
Yeah pretty much, but hey, I am clutching at anything here you guys that offers me any form of relief.
When I bent over to pick up a pair of PJs one of the kids had thrown on the floor in their daily rush to get ready for school, two of the crystals fell out of my bra and cracked on the hard tiles.
One of the crystals that cracked was a piece of citrine.
Citrine that I had stuffed in there to encourage the manifestation of money.
That was the precise moment I felt the panic start to rise up into my throat.
Less than ten minutes later I received a phone call from my new building manager for Little Lane Workshops who told me that the fire alarm that had accidentally for no apparent reason gone off on my first morning in my new studio yesterday, was going to cost me and cost me HARD.
$1300 kind of hard.
Yep that is apparently what the Government charges these days to send a fire truck out to a false alarm. An alarm that as I mentioned - went off for no apparent reason and despite that - the occupant of the studio in which the alarm goes off has to pay that $1300.
So that person would be me.
That was the point my head pretty much exploded and seeings as I have exhausted all my adrenaline on getting through the renos and the move, I am pretty much just a blubbering mess right now.
In the past few weeks we have spent every last cent we own and then some making over a new studio for my business, less than a year and a half since we spent everything we had then doing up the original warehouse for my business, the warehouse we have had to move out of because we can't get another 12 month lease on it.
We've had financial hit after hit on the renos that have been far from smooth sailing, hidden costs that have come out to slap us, along with the typical costs that come with leasing a new 86sqm studio, two cars being due for rego, school fees, bills and all the usual life expenses we all have to deal with.
Look, I know that this is just money and stuff... and it is NOTHING in comparison to the pain and heartache that many other people are feeling right at this very moment, and I am trying SO HARD to put it all into perspective... I really am, but it feels like a humungous giant to me right now and I'm scared and I am anxious and I guess I just felt like I was being a big fat fraud if I didn't admit to all of that.
I know what people see from the outside looking in - the images we choose to share on social media and online are carefully edited because really - we don't want the world to see us complaining or moaning or going on and on about our 1st world problems do we?
And so we share the happy smiley pics, the ones that without you even realising it, can be causing other people to feel insecure or anxious in comparison and yet as soon as we put the phone back down, the facade falls away and all the worry and anxiety we hid in the photo - it is still there. It hasn't gone away.
Anxiety can get to anyone... it's not picky in the slightest about who it infects and no matter how cool calm and collected someone may appear on the surface, we need to remember that other people are going through stuff too - bigger stuff, smaller stuff, stuff that scares them whatever it may be, and the more we are open and honest with each other about it... well the better off we all will be.
And so I guess I just wanted to be open with you guys and tell you that anxiety has once again gotten to me.
But I keep telling myself that I will be ok.
I will get through this and over this.
I will put on my big girl panties and man up to the fight and I will look for all of the positives I have allowed to be hidden under my worries and I WILL make Little Lane Workshops everything I know it can be.
I will keep stuffing those crystals into a better fitting bra and I will continue to believe in this dream and myself.
In the meantime, it just feels better to talk about it... you know?
For whatever reason, it just does.
Do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks?
Anything you want to lighten your load with and share with us?
I promise, it feels better when you do.