I have one of those mouths that has a habit of disobeying me.
I'd like to say it has a mind of it's own, but I wasn't THAT bad at biology and anatomy so yeah... I guess I kinda sort of have to own it.
You see thoughts go into my mind... many of them all at once, and my mouth being the impatient orifice that it is often just jumps on in and starts translating what my brain is thinking before my brain can go "shit, no wait STOP don't say that outloud".
I am forever driving home from somewhere, banging the steering wheel and going "WTF SONIA! What were you thinking saying THAT?"
Often it takes my brain a while to catch up and the moment of realisation typically takes place at 1am in the morning when I bolt upright remembering something I said and fretting that it might have been taken the wrong way... and so then I spend the next 7 hours panicking that someone is in lying in their bed thinking "that Sonia is an absolute moron".
Take for instance the time I told the TV chef Annabelle Langbein at a media lunch that I once had a cooking show of my own... that part sounds alright yeah? But what about the bit where I went on to say that it was just me and my husband filming it and I was absolutely stoned to the eyeballs at the time?
Or how about the time I rang the church office to book my son in for a baptism... sure that sounds innocent enough, but the part where I told the nice nun on the phone that we needed a "shot gun baptism" done for our son because his school enrolment forms were due and I had forgotten to get him christened is where it all went pear shaped.
KILL ME NOW!!
Then of course there was my more recent faux pas - where I told the event organiser and a group full of bloggers (some I had never even met before) that I managed to get my husband to drive my passport in to the city by promising him a month full of blow jobs?
Who even says shit like that?
Umm clearly I do and that is why my hubby wasn't overly shocked by the conversation that played out between us the other night.
I can't remember it word for word (although I am sure he can) but it kind of went something like this...
Him: Something about going to Bali and the Zika virus (hey... to be fair, I was playing candy crush before he started talking)
ME: "Hmmm awful. I hope I don't ever get pregnant and have to go to Bali"
Him: "Huh? Are you planning on getting pregnant?"
Me: "No... well not with you anyway."
Him: "Oh great, but you might get pregnant with someone else though?"
Me: "What? No! I mean... you know... I CAN'T get pregnant with you cause you've been like... desexed... remember?"
Him: "Oh awesome! So now I'm a dog or something am I?"
Me: "No, noooooo. You are taking it ALL the wrong way. I meant you had your thingies cut and tied. Geez! Sensitive much? It's not like I said you've been castrated or anything!"
I know! And believe me - I'm cringing just reliving that conversation in my head.
So your honour, I have two words for you...
Guilty as charged.
That is all.
Does your mouth ever get you into trouble?
Do things come out of your mouth that have you going WTF did I just say???