One minute it was Christmas Eve and I was all "yeah must get that Christmas blog message done yada yada yada" and the suddenly is was today and a girlfriend just asked me on the phone "how come you haven't been blogging lately?" and I was all "oh yeah, shit.... the blog!"
I kind of liken it to when you are lucky enough to go to bed at the normal time at night and wake up at lunchtime the next day. You wake up all disoriented and then you are all suddenly "oh Crap... the kids" but you go downstairs and find that they are alive and eating fried egg sandwiches with your hubby and so you say "Wow sorry I didn't mean to sleep that long" and he says "You must have needed it" ....
or something like that....
If you are lucky.
Subconsciously I must have known I needed a break and it has done me the world of good.
This Christmas came and went in a mad blur. The build up was insanely busy with kids finishing school and one finishing primary school, running my own business for the first time ever and all the usual stuff that goes on with preparing for Christmas.
I was being a cranky moody cow and kept saying to myself over and over again "It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year". I couldn't work out why it didn't feel like Christmas. We were doing all the usual stuff, the decorations were up and we were going through the motions. But now, after I have stopped for a while, I realise I was so damn busy trying to organise the perfect Christmas that I forgot to actually be there and in the moment and enjoy it.
Totally my own fault as I haven't yet figured out this work life balance thing and not having a guaranteed salary every month any more I was more anxious than ever about the cost of all the smaller details that come with Christmas.
This past week of not doing much has been good for the mind and good for my soul. I have spent literally hours staring off into space sorting through my mind and decluttering all the crap I have stored up there this past year.
I have existed in a dream like time of haze, knowing in the back of mind that stuff needs to be done, but not really caring enough to do more than just the bare necessities like feeding children and checking every now and then that I am still breathing.
I have had moments of cringing at how I have allowed life to get so busy again without me even realising it and I hate that my brain became so damn full that I couldn't even retain basic things like remembering what I needed to get by the time I arrived at the shops.
I have had some huge 'Aha!' moments this past week and I have realised just how wrong I had it all. Life, living, existence I mean. Busy busy is not living, and I cringe at how that has become my stock standard answer these days when people ask how I am.
Who gives Kentucky ducky how busy I am, everyone is busy in there own way. And you know what else? How flipping easy is it to just say "enough" and make some major life changes that would benefit not just the family but me.
As I was floating on my back in the pool a couple of days ago, eyes closed and my nostrils breathing in the sweet scent of the incense I have taken to burning so I can pretend I am in Bali, I realised that I don't take enough time for me and to do the things I love. All the things I like to do like crafting, and riding my bike, reading blogs and magazines and floating in the pool pretending I am in Bali.... I don't do enough of any of them anymore and that is one New Years Resolution or promise I have made to myself. To do more of what I love and to be more in the moment.
So there you go folks, that's where I have been and what I've been doing. I have been distracted, but in a blissful awakening kind of way.
How was your Christmas? Have you made any promises to yourself for the New Year?