Things have been hectic these last few months and as per usual when I get excited about new projects and ideas I hurl myself into them at 1000 kms an hour, not really stopping to think about whether that pace is sustainable for any length of time.
Of course it's not sustainable.
Duh, I already knew that.
Sometimes I need to be smacked in the back of the head and reminded every now and then.
And then without thinking I allow myself to get sucked into the Whirlpool. The Whirlpool that takes control and sends me swirling in all different directions. The same whirlpool that has me saying yes to this and sure to that, putting my hand up for everything and anything and becoming so completely self absorbed in myself before Bam..... it spits me out and dumps me on the shoreline, giddy and confused.
And then I just lie there for a while, to get my breath before I sit up, look around and think ...
"Holy Crap, HOW the hell did I get here?"
I liken it is to those times when you are driving somewhere and then all of a sudden you are.... just there.
And try as you might you can barely recall stopping at traffic lights or passing through a suburb and you realise with a sickening feeling that somewhere along the way your autopilot kicked in and you arrived at your destination without any of the joy that comes with the journey and it freaks you out that you can actually blank out like that.
Have you ever experienced that?
A couple of weeks ago I found myself in October and I was all "Holy Shitballs, when did that happen?"
One minute I was in June and in Bali making some huge life changes and then all of sudden it's October. What the freaking hell happened to July and September?
And then I realised that I lost them somewhere in that bloody whirlpool.
I forgot to slow down and enjoy life, to look around and to ask how anyone else is doing.
I forgot to stop and smell those God damn gorgeous roses.
And so these past few weeks I stood back and made some changes I needed to make to give myself a little space to breathe, room to move and some time to regain my equilibrium.
I stopped putting my hand up for everything, I stopped saying yes to every offer or invitation. I eased off on extra curricular commitments, social media and socializing for a while and I spent my weekends just pottering around with the family, swimming, reading books and doing a shitload of nothing.
I needed that time .... I needed it very much.
It's been a wake up call in many way. I was adamant about blaming the Corporate world for my unhappiness in the past and whilst yes, it was partially to blame, no one is actually more to blame than myself.
I am at the helm of my life. I alone CAN actually control the speed at which I travel. And whilst there are things that rightfully demand my attention in life - like family and to a degree work, I am allowed to make the decisions about whether I want to participate in the rest of the stuff - the stuff that too much of can lead to that stressful mindless busyness.
I can choose how I want to spend my time and I am allowed to choose the things I enjoy for me.
I can choose if and when I jump in and out of that whirlpool and I am ultimately in charge of setting aside time to attend to the business of rose smelling.
I made a promise to myself a few months ago to be more present in my life. It seems I may have forgotten about that promise for a little while.
And so I salute you oh busy whirlpool. I salute you with what my son calls "The rude finger", because I'm the boss of this head space, and I'm back in control of my life.
Now if you could please excuse me - I am going to go and stick my head into a rose bush.
Do you allow yourself to get sucked into that busy whirlpool?
Have you ever driven from A to B and can't actually remember the drive?
Am I making any sense whatsoever?