Many a sleepless night I have spent worrying about something, and whether it be a big worry or a small worry, nothing amplifies it more than the dark of night.
Recently I've taken to talking to other mum's about these worries, you know to get a different perspective on it all and God knows I find it such a relief when they open up to me and tell me they worry about the same things.
I feel more normal and less of an overemotional twat.
I know you get where I'm coming from - these are our babies and their pain is very much our pain too.
If they are feeling left out for whatever reason at school, I feel that ache deep in my bones and want to be there for them every lunch hour.
If they don't get picked for a sports team, I long to just erase the whole experience, boost their confidence and buy them milkshakes or whatever the hell it takes to soothe the sting.
If they are not invited to a party that their friends are all invited to, I can't help but feel sorry for them and wonder what they did or even what I may have possibly done to cause their exclusion.
If they get in trouble for something that I know in my heart they did not do, I seethe and then prepare to don my armour and go into battle for them.
If I hear one of them speak harsh words to someone else, I want to not only correct them, but to apologise on their behalf and right the wrong.
If they are struggling with learning something new or find themselves in a less than ideal situation I can't help but wonder, have I screwed this all up somehow?
And when I see another child that has intentionally caused pain to one of my boys, through their words or their actions, I just want to flick their ear and pull their undies over their head.... not mature at all, but I can imagine it would be very satisfying.
I know I am not alone with the majority of these thoughts and feelings, because the other mums I have been speaking to recently have welcomed my honesty and repayed me with their own.
But I also can't help but wonder why we don't do this more often, you know talk about these things to each other. Or at the very least give these concerns or worries of ours as much airtime as we do with the successes and the good stuff. Just be a little more open when things aren't going that well.
Sometimes I feel an unspoken pressure to paint a perfect picture to others, one that is full of colour and light when sometimes the reality that day may actually be more black and white with some shades of grey.
Or sometimes I feel uncomfortable in sharing these thoughts in case I am judged or criticised.
Do you ever feel like that?
I know that these kind of things are all things that kids need to experience to build their character and strengthen their resilience. But part of the job of being Mum, is hurting when our kids are hurting and somehow sharing that pain with others who understand ( as pretty much any mum would) helps to make it a little more bearable until that particular storm passes.
Do me a favour ... speak out and share as much as you can.
Open up with what's on your mind and don't be afraid to speak of what is in your heart when it comes to your kids and your experience as a mum, the good AND the not so good.
Not only will it help someone else who may be carrying a heavy heart full of self doubt and confusion, it may might help you to unload a burden yourself and find strength in knowing that you aren't running this race on your own.
How's thing going with you?
Anything with your kids keeping you awake at night at the moment?