And So with a Deep Breath The Journey Begins | Life Love and Hiccups: And So with a Deep Breath The Journey Begins

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

And So with a Deep Breath The Journey Begins

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Before you read this post I just want to be completely honest and tell you just how nervous I was about hitting publish on this post. How terrified I am about baring my soul in such a raw way and how afraid I am of the judgment i may provoke upon myself.

But I know that you cannot begin a journey without taking that first step.

And so with a deep breath The Journey Begins.....

Have you ever longed for something with your entire soul and with all your sense of being, without actually knowing exactly what it is you so desperately want?


Have you ever woken in the morning from a dream so deliciously inspiring it has left you intoxicated with a sense of joy? Joy you so desperately want to stay with you, and yet in the daylight try as you might, you cannot recall the intricate details of the dream or pinpoint what it was in the dream that gave you such a sweet taste of hope. 


Have you ever let your mind wander too far into darker places and let your guard down long enough to allow the demons in your mind to devalue your self worth, and rape you of your confidence?


Have you ever invested your heart into an idea that you have only ever dared to play out in the safety of your imagination. An idea that is so desirable and so close to a possibility that you can actually smell it and taste it and yet you are afraid to reach out and grab it for fear of it disappearing forever in front of your eyes?


Have you ever lost yourself within yourself? Stared into the mirror and not recognised the person who is reflected back. Have you leaned forward and looked into those strange eyes searching for some familiarity, a hint that the someone you once knew is still in there?


Have you ever stood on the edge of a void and dared yourself to lean forward, and then again just a little further – tempting fate, but too scared to actually lift your feet and leap blindly into the unknown?


Have you ever piled so much on your plate that you can do nothing more than sit there staring at your greed, unsure of where to even begin?


Have you ever pushed yourself a little too far out of familiar territory and then the reality and fear of the unfamiliar landscape grips you so tightly you cannot move and you cannot breath, and yet you realise you have gone too far to turn back again?


Have you ever given advice to others, advice about courage and seeking joy, advice based on wisdom you have gained from past experience and then laughed at the irony that you value the wisdom enough to gift it to others but are not courageous to use it for yourself?


Have you ever been in that precise moment where your tongue will not release the words you so desperately need to say? Words you have rehearsed in your mind over and over again and yet in that crucial moment you freeze and the precious window of opportunity passes?

I have.

Yesterday in the lonely hours of 2am I finally dared to whisper those words out loud. 

I spoke quietly to no one, to nothing but the darkness around me and I held my breath and waited for the universe to respond. 

I waited for it to punish me, or reward me for my courage to speak. A sign, Anything,  just something to acknowledge me and the words I had just spoken.

I was met with a resounding silence broken only by the sound of sobbing. An urgent cry that needed comforting and reassurance that everything is going to be ok

My husband who was resting beside me rose instinctively to attend to the cry and as he wrapped his arms around me I wept in the security of his arms and I let it all go.

I deliberated over sharing this post on my blog as it is so deeply personal and yet I feel compelled to share it in the hope that by saying out loud what I have kept inside for so long, that it will help not just me, but someone else who is reading this and feeling the same way.

For the past 12 years I have tried to do it all and be it all. To fit the costume of Supermum / Superwoman, a costume I had painstakingly crafted out of threads of who I thought I should be and who I thought people wanted me to be.

The hardworking employee working full time, a survivor of a life changing accident, and a happy homemaker. A doting hands on mum, a nurturing and loving wife, and an active member of my children's school and sporting community. A supportive daughter, sister and aunt. A friend who is always ready and willing to be there for others, to help those who need help and more recently someone who is exploring her creative side through writing and crafting.

Something had to give.

And it has.

Maybe it is a 'midlife crisis' or perhaps it is just exhaustion. 

Maybe I caught a whiff of the old dog lurking around, or it could just be that for too long I have just fooled myself into thinking you can have it all and be it all without major sacrifice.....

I don’t really know. 

What I do know is that life is too short to spend wondering "what if?" or waiting for the answers to magically fall from the sky. 

I have to trust that the universe does not punish the courageous and believe that it is not greedy to want to be truly happy.

I cannot and will not give up anything to do with my family. That's a given.

I am not the type of person to turn my back on family, friends or others in need, so that is not even an option.

So it leaves in one hand my career and in the other my interests and the creative things I get joy from doing.

If you stop doing the things you love and only focus on work, you are left with nothing more than an empty shell that robotically goes through the motions. 

That's not living.

That's not the life I suspect I am craving and the source of joy in my dreams.

I considered closing up the blog for a while to focus on clearing my head and getting myself healthier mentally and emotionally. But I can't leave this blog, I love writing here too much. 

I love the way I can share my triumphs and my fears and I love the way it helps me to laugh at my failings. I love the community we have built here and I love that through written words I can so freely express what I cannot at times find the strength to actually speak.

And so I am burning that Supermum costume. I am taking a big match and setting fire to the ridiculous notion that I have to be everything to everyone.

I am taking a few weeks away from my career to mend and recover and to reassess.

I am going to use that time to nurture my health and my mind, to search for the answers and make decisions, life changing decisions. Decisions that I hope will allow me to live a life without constant stress and anxiety, and free from the feeling that I am always running from the dog, trying to outsmart him and just praying he doesn't catch up to me.

I want to explore the possibilities of living a simpler life, one that doesn't revolve around how much I earn or what I can afford to do or not do. and to hopefully find the joy I crave in that much simpler life.

I am hoping that with rest comes clarity and that clarity will bring answers. 

I hope to stand before the mirror and see only the person I am truly meant to see. 

I have faith that if I trust in the universe it will lead me to where I am meant to be and who I was destined to be.