Ever wondered what would happen if the tables were turned and your life hung precariously in the hands of your offspring?
Sure my kids love me, they tell me every day. They cover my clean outfits in chocolate smudgy kisses, can't bare to be apart from me so visit me throughout the night and obviously it is because of love that they insist on sharing every meal with me .... my meal .... off my plate!
But when push came to shove, I was a little taken aback by the outcome.
The perfect opportunity for my 5 year old to prove his undying love came to pass only days ago.
It was just him and I at home. I was pottering around whilst he was going for gold on Sonic racing on the Playstation.
Nature called and I was required to pay a little visit to the bathroom and attend to some urgent business and it was right there on the throne that I learned some very hard life lessons and as an added bonus, I found out just how deep my smallest midget's love runs for me.
Life Lesson Number 1: ALWAYS check for toilet paper before you begin. Living in a house full of males I should have known better. They eat toilet paper around here.
Life Lesson Number 2: You are kidding yourself if you think you can come between a child and a Playstation remote. Say no more.
The scene kind of played out like this.
*Tumbleweeds fly past*
Me: HEY FLYYYYYYYNNN - I JUST SAW WRECK IT RALPH IN THE LAUNDRY
We have a reaction. It's promising.
Me: FLYYYYNY HONEY - MUMMY NEEDS SOME TOILET PAPER PLEASE!
Flynn: I cant!
Me: PLEASE FLYNN - IT'S REALLY URGENT!
Flynn: I CAN'T - I'm being really Important right now.
Me: PLEEEEEASE FLYNN, MUMMY REALLY NEEDS SOME TOILET PAPER BADLY!
Flynn: KAAIIIIIIII SAMMMMM Mum needs toilet papers!
Me: THEY AREN'T HERE FLYNN. MUMMY'S COUNTING ON YOU BABY!
Flynn: Sorry Mum, You just have to be patient okay.
By this stage I am seething and totally cursing myself for all the years of telling my children they will just have to be patient. I was tempted to call for back up on my phone, but the humiliation of asking a friend to come to this kind of rescue was just too much even for me.
Me: FLYNN - PUT THE GAME DOWN NOW OR YOU WILL NEVER PLAY PLAYSTATION AGAIN UNTIL YOU ARE AT LEAST 18.
Flynn: How many Sleeps is that?
Me: MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE SUNSHINE!!!!
A minute or so later a little hand poked through the door with a roll of toilet paper. With steam coming from my ears I waited until that blessed paper was safe in my hands before I went to town on him about how inconsiderate he had just been and how I can't believe that Sonic was more important than the person that gave birth to him.
"You should have checked for paper before you pulled down your pants Mum. That's what you tell us to do".
Midget 1: Mum nil
He is right, that IS something I frequently say to them when they are screaming at me to bring them toilet paper.
Eat those words Sonia.
Oh and by the way, if you were asked to place a bet on who my kids would save from a pool full of starving piranhas and it was between me and their Playstation, clearly it would be a wise move for you to put your money on Sonic and leave me to the fish.
On another note, I have stocked all the bathroom cupboards with plenty of toot wipes. This WILL NOT happen again.
Since it really wouldn't be polite for me to post a pic of me sitting on the throne, please enjoy this enchanting photo of a tumbleweed instead.
Have you ever been left for dead by your kids?
When did Sonic ever do something as unselfish and self sacrificing as pushing a melon out of his Vagina?
Who would you call as your lifeline if you needed toilet paper?