If our bed had a pecking order, I would be extremely low down on the list - if I even made it on the list at all.
I kid you not. Our bed has a Door Bitch and she stands there all superior like, looking at her list of invitees and when she realises I didn't make the night's cut she dismisses me with nothing more than a bored sniff and I am promptly sent to the back of the queue to wait with all the fools (the other dog and children) hoping for a chance to at least take a peek at the lucky ones who have made it onto the bed.
It's completely unfair and so inappropriate as that bed of ours will never find a more devoted fan than me.
I dream about it all day, I primp and fuss over it daily to ensure it is always looking its best. I am the first at the door in the evening to ensure I have a prime posi yet every night I am the first to be evicted or at best be allowed to dangle awkwardly from the edge.
Last night in one stealth sequence of moves I successfully extracted my dead arm from under the head of a sleeping child and rolled the hubby onto his side to turn the volume down on the snoring. I even managed to roll onto MY side and get my head completely on a pillow. As I was gratefully sinking my head into position, a possum make some God awful noise outside our window and the dog launch off the bed in a barking fit and bolted down stairs.
In a flash I pulled both legs up over the side of the bed, shoved them under the blanket, firmly cemented my bum into the little dent in the mattress, held onto my pillow and grinned like the Cheshire cat.
I freaking made it! I was in da club, dancing with the homies and there aint no Door Bitch stopping me tonight baby!
Anyone who has ever had to share a bed with multiple family members and family pets knows the pure unadulterated joy that comes with managing to get both feet into the bed, let alone a head on a pillow that you dont have to share.
Minutes later, the dog came back from its barking duties, jumped up into position and in what I am sure was a totally pissed off manner, took up a posi at the back of my legs. I didn't feel even a squidgen of guilt.
The husband rolled once again onto his back with his arms above his head and started snoring. With absolutely no remorse I smacked him on the forehead and tickled his lips with my finger nails until he found it annoying enough to swat at the air trying to shoo the non existent mozzies before rolling back onto his side thus muffling the snoring. Still no guilt, none at all!
The child farted and I did not even flinch.
As I lay there relishing my prime real estate I became aware of my bladder which was quietly protesting. I chose to ignore it.
The protests got louder and more uncomfortable and my bladder refused to be quietened by me crossing my legs and lying on my side.
In the end I had no choice. I had to go!
When I came back from my business the Door Bitch was back. Standing with her feet wide apart and planted firmly on the ground she waved that list in my face, the one that my name clearly does not exist on and she mocked me with her smirk.
I conceded and graciously accepted an opening on the edge of the bed. I offered my arm up as a pillow to the visiting child and I tried to enjoy the symphony of snoring that was there for my enjoyment.
All the while waiting for a noisy possum to once again provide me with an opening.
Does your bed have a pecking order?
Are you on the THE list?