Heyyyya big fella - how's it hanging?
I hope the weather hasn't been too crappy for you up there with all that frost and snow. If I was a betting woman, I'd be taking a punt that in hindsight you wish you had set up shop somewhere a little warmer, somewhere with a little sand, sunshine and sea breezes. I'm guessing you wouldn't mind seeing the old Lady in that sparkly red bikini right you keep rewrapping every year? *wink wink*.
Meh - look at it this way - if it was all sunshine and goodtimes your reindeer would be getting fat on Pina Coladas and the elves would be chucking sickies cause the surf was way too bodacious to pass up for a little toy making. You would be cracking the shits at the lost time in production and the union would be all over your arse. Oh Chin up Snugglepuss, it aint all bad where you are.
Now as for elves - you certainly sent us a delinquent in Alfred didn't you?
Have you checked out the mischief he has been getting up to at our joint? I take it the Naughty or Nice list doesn't count for much with Elf kids. If you want to keep an eye on what your little spy has been getting up to whilst he is supposed to be busy keeping an eye on my kids - feel free to follow me on Instagram.
Now you may be wondering what a gal like me is hankering for Christmas this year. I know, I know, last year's list was a little ambitious, so I have toned it down a tad this time and I only have 5 things on my list. Cause I dont want to be greedy right? So feel free to choose all of them if you are feeling generous or if the budget is a little tight for our house after my kids sent you their mammoth lists, I'd be happy with just one or two of these.
1. A PERKY BUM
I'd like my 18 year old backside back please. I carelessly lost mine somewhere over the years and I suspect I may have left it on the birthing table when my oldest son was born. My replacement butt is very comfortable with plenty of padding and all that, but I was rather fond of my original perkier style.
Don't stress too much if you can't find one EXACTLY the same, just a general size 10 would be suffice.
I couldn't find a photo of my old rump - it most likely has yellowed and shrivelled up somewhere in a dusty old box covered in cobwebs. But here is a picture of the model I had in mind.
2. A HOLIDAY
A holiday would be lovely thanks. Somewhere warm and where the weather is less moody and can make up its mind. I'm really not fussy, anywhere where it is warm and there is crystal clear waters to swim in, a reputable Kids Club and Caprioskas on Tap.
Maybe here would be OK if you are stuck for ideas.
3. A HUMBLE WEEKENDER
Now I have been spending a little bit of time with my nose in some magazines lately and it seems every man and his dog has a weekender that they escape to on their days off. They are busy doing them up and decorating them and stuff. Again I don't want to be a burden and have to go and ask you for new kitchens and bathrooms sinks and big fat plump couches on next years wish list, so I'll just make life easy and take one ready to go thanks.
I'm not overly ambitious - as long as it has 4 bedrooms and a butlers pantry, I am good to go. This one would do I guess.
4. A BIG FAT JUICY STEAK OR AT LEAST A PRETEND ONE
As you know there isn't going to be any juicy old ham on our Chrissy table this year. Nope we had to go and get ourselves all allergic to meat didn't we. Well it wasn't actually our fault, it was the damn ticks that bit us. So with that in mind I only think it is fair that you could whip up a big old porterhouse that looks likes steak, smells like steak and tastes like a juicy succulent steak ... only its tofu or something that wont kill us.
If you are wondering how I like my steak, here's one I prepared earlier.
5. A BIT OF A TIME WARP
Lastly and yes I have saved the best for last just in case you were a little snowed under and needed to skim through my list and just pick one item.
I'd really like a time warp please. Just a small one, nothing permanent and all that. Just one that will slow time down a little. You see the kids are growing up a little too quickly for my liking and the hubby and I are growing grey hairs faster than we can pluck em. So a little sprinkle of some of your magic dust or something would be just marvelous thanks. Oh and I know that stuff is like super expensive, but please don't be too stingy on that sprinkling, the old Loreal just doesn't seem to stick to those wirey greys like it used too.
So there you have my list Santa. I know I haven't been on my absolute bestest behaviour of all time, but I haven't been that bad either. The hubby still has his sanity reasonably in tact and the kids are all the better for being exposed to my loose interpretation of parenting. They have developed a great sense of humour and a wonderful depth of empathy. I'm pretty sure that is a win win.
Any way stay safe Papa Noel, Go easy on the egg nog when you are driving and I'll be sure to get the kids to put your brownies up high enough this year so the dogs don't get to them first.
P.S - Would you mind asking the reindeer to park on the grass in the front of the fence, you know the council owned turf. I wouldn't normally be so fussy but the hubby has been working really hard to get that grass to regrow after the kids overenthusiastic Grubba comp.
So now the rules say I have to tag some people to share their wish lists, so tag you're it;
What's on your Christmas Wish List this year? Go on be extravagant!