You can thank my husband for me spilling the beans today. He laughed himself silly about this and insisted I share it with you, in the spirit of sharing the hiccups and all that, or in this case more of the all that!
I had to pop over to the local shopping mall last week to post some things for work and grab some groceries. With my back breaking and arms killing from holding groceries and all the stuff I needed to post, I joined the other toe tappers stuck waiting in the one open line in the post office behind a woman who had seriously dressed up for her visit to the post office. Anyone else think a pink sequinsed mini is a little over the top for a 9am visit to Australia Post? This woman must have been paying a years worth of bills and she complained to the poor post office lady about every. single. one of them.
After I finally had my turn at the counter and reassured the poor post office lady that I was NOT here to pay any bills, my shoulder and my neck had taken on a very unnatural slant. I decided I needed coffee. I needed a very strong coffee. Or a drink ..... or tacos mmmmm tacos .....
I'm procrastinating a little here - can ya tell?
Anyway Gloria Jeans was very conveniently located on route back to my car so I stopped to pick up one very large, very strong coffee to feed some life back into my stressed out body.
So my coffee is ready and with my one free hand (the other which was attached to the non slanting shoulder was still holding those groceries) I gratefully accepted my coffee from the young guy behind the register.
Now we had a small problem in that my coffee was lidless and I don't know about you but I am such a klutz I really need a lid as I have a habit of totally missing my mouth and pouring coffee all down my chin and the front of me.
However in hindsight, coffee all down my chin and the front of me would have been a far less embarrassing predicament than what I was about to face.
Blissfully unaware of what was about to happen, I asked for a lid and awkwardly leaned over the top of the cash register holding out my cup to the guy. With one arm outstretched and the other clutching my groceries I suddenly felt myself about to sneeze.
I tried to stop it, but you know what sneezes are like - they are pretty unstoppable. And in what felt like a full slow motion minute but was actually probably more like a super quick 2 or 3 seconds, I only just had time to cross my legs, squeeze my pelvic floor and hope for the best.
You think I am going to say I wet myself aren't you?
No. I didn't wet my pants.
I snotted all over myself.
The snot hanging out of your nose and dangling precariously above your top lip kind of snotting all over yourself.
Wetting myself would have been a kinder act of nature as I could probably have just stuck my gut out, started groaning and spun some BS about my waters breaking or something. I'll take unnecessary sympathy and panic over disgust any day!
Instead I stood there all snotty like, completely mortified and still holding my frigging groceries in one hand and my lidless coffee in the other. I stared in absolute horror at an equally mortified young guy as he and his female coworker stared back at me in complete disgust.
I had no other option with both hands occupied but to do the head tilt thing and attempt to wipe my leaking nose on my shoulder. Mid motion however, with a neck painfully strained from the post office ordeal, I realised that try as I might - I cannot make my nose reach my shoulder.
Oh Kill me now!
"Can you PLEASE take my coffee" I hissed at the still slack mouthed coffee guy. "And do you think I could have like a tissue or something?"
The female barista handed over a wad of serviettes. Actually she kind of dropped them in front of me in disgust still staring at me like I was a walking disease.
I tried to diffuse the situation with some lame ass joke about sick kids sharing their germs. But it really was a waste on these kids who didn't have a clue what I was rabitting on about.
I quickly wiped myself up, grabbed my now lidded coffee and made for a hasty retreat.
Shamed shamed and shamed.
Gloria Jeans is now officially on my list of places I don't care to visit again in a hurry .... along with Aldi and my local Woolies.
I am fast running out of places to shop around here and at this rate I am thinking that becoming a recluse might be a safer option for me. I mean how many ways can someone humiliate themselves before they are officially deemed a public menace?
I have no idea what kind of picture to put on this post, so here ...... have a picture of a taco.
Have you ever excreted in front of a horrified shop assistant?
Do you know any ways to stop a sneeze from coming... you know for future reference?