Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Hypnotised Chooks, Horny Bush Turkeys and Other Random Bits of Info

Pin It On Sunday I was invited to lunch at the home of one of the most gorgeous families I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Really genuine people, totally warm and welcoming and their beautiful home was one of those places where you could just curl up on the couch on the front porch and stay there until they have to have you forcibly removed.

Their home is surrounded by bushland and holy smokes - they haz chickens. Real ones and not just neighbours in the nursing home over the back fence making animal noises. These chickens have names and really cool personalities and they just wander around all "How YOU doing?" like.

I got all cosy with one of the feathered family pets and made out like I was simply enjoying my moment getting up close and personal with nature. Secretly I was really trying to see if I could have any luck hypnotizing that chook, and blow me down as I patted him his eyes kind of glazed over and he freaking went to sleep on me.

I am so claiming it. Cross that goal off the bucket list - I hypnotized a clucker!

We started chatting about the various other bush dwellers that roam in and out of the family backyard and I was horrified for my poor feathered friends when I heard that they are frequently visited for a booty call from some horny bush turkeys.

Now we are not talking about a consensual relationship here between the family chooks and these wild thugs. No sirree. These turkeys just rock on up to the party and get down to business. No small talk and no foreplay. They clearly have no manners, no shame and no idea.

As we were discussing this sad state of affairs, I couldn't help but wonder how chickens actually -you know .... do it. Do the boy chickens have noodles and if so how do they get through all the feathers and stuff? What position do they have to get themselves into? Do they actually mate or just kind of squirt something on the eggs to fertilise them? Good God could I be any more suburban!!

No one could really answer my questions with the level of information my curiosity was demanding, so I had no choice but to whip out my phone and Google it, cause we all know I am partial to a bit of Googling right?

Now I am not going to bore you with all the details of what I found out..... just the parts that made me snort like a donkey and act like a 6 year old boy would in hooters.

OK so clearly I'm immature, I'll own it!

Did you know that according to one very well informed expert website (ask Yahoo) that few birds actually mate whilst flying. Really? No shit Sherlock!

Now I don't know about you, but I struggle with any of the positions described in the first chapter of the Karma something or other so any living creature that can manage to nookie whilst flying through the air, totally gets my respect.

Male chickens have a corkscrew. Yep, I kid you not! A FYI, I'm not talking about the type that you open a bottle of mood inducing Jacobs Creek with either. Nope their noodle apparently resembles a corkscrew. How symbolic in a totally random way!

The website even goes on to say that sometimes when they finish mating the corkscrew will "hang in the breeze" momentarily until it is retracted (no not reactivated Deb). Bahahaha! That part also got my inner child laughing like a complete moron.

Chickens prefer solid footing when doing the deed (don't we all?) and tree birds will occasionally lose their grip on the tree mid coital and free fall, but get this - they will continue mating as they fall. Helloooo talented much?

Man I tell you, these innocuous looking creatures have a more adventurous sex life than many and forget reading Cleo or The Joy of Sex for tips and pointers, I suggest grabbing yourself a cuppa and have a natter with your feathered friends - apparently they know all the tricks.

Is it no wonder really those randy Bush Turkeys came looking for a bit of the action! In future I will always take a moment of silence out of respect before I tuck into omellette.