I had one of those Woohoo it's Spring moments over the weekend. You know the ones where you wake up and you can just smell the weather has turned and it has that underlying warmth and promise of balmy nights to come.
Those moments where you bound out of bed (or crawl out if I 'm really honest) and hit your wardrobe to pick out something light and loose and distinctively ummm Springy?
Anyway I did just that, and I picked a pair of casual pants that have been hiding out up one end of my wardrobe since the end of summer, just waiting for this day to arrive.
I excitedly put my legs into those pants and yanked. CRAP! Those damn pants shrunk over winter and now they wont go up over my bum.
OK common sense AND the scales I consequently stood on, told me it was simply a case of me letting my ass grow too much in recent months. My ego tried to tell me it was totally the pants fault.
So I sat down on the edge of my bed and sulked and wallowed and cursed my big bum pity for a few minutes before I finally pulled myself together and decided that I need to quit whinging about it and actually get off that big backside and do something about it.
And so I did. I went downstairs and ate 3 macadamia cookies and a chunk of Jarlsberg cheese. Random I know, but as any self diagnosed emotional eater will tell you - you are less likely to be picky in times of need.
And so now I face the task of losing one said ass before I am expected to fit it into a cossie anytime in the near future and especially before I am expected to put that cossie covered bum anywhere where anyone other than my dog can see it.
Honestly? The image I have in my head of me in a cute Lorna Jane ensemble pounding the pavement is so much better than the reality that I know will eventuate.
And seriously tell me - How is one expected to live without eating a whole packet Violet Crumbles when you are premenstrual? .... and I am talking more about someone expecting to live with me and survive (like my husband and children) rather than a premenstrual me surviving without eating that whole packet .... then again.
On top of my fat bum situation I have going on, apparently I also have an abnormal cervix or cervix bits. Give me a break - between bulging behinds, leaky bladders, boobs that don't sit where they used to and now a deviant cervix (according to the free online dictionary, deviant is another word for abnormal - I know right!), I feel like all my lady bits are are having a bit of a crisis and forgot to invite me.
So you must excuse me whilst I go and finish that pack of macadamia choc-chip cookies and strategically plan my revenge on my backside. What? Everyone knows you cant start a diet until you eliminate all the junk food from your pantry, just like you can't pound a pavement without a cute Lorna Jane outfit or a margarita at the end!
By the way - When was your last Pap Smear?
Don't remember? Then it was too long ago!
Go and book it right now OK? OK!