I am so sorry, I didn't mean to worry anyone with my melancholy post yesterday, I really didn't.
I had a whole different post scheduled for today, one that involved chopsticks and dead pet fish but when I woke to so many beautiful emails this morning and messages asking if I am OK I realised I owe you a little more in the way of an explanation.
I am OK, really I am. I've just had a crappy week or two. We all have them from time to time and I believe they are there to make us appreciate the good days a little more than I normally do.
I promised you guys this blog would be honest and real and that I wouldn't just slap on the big fake cover up smile I am usually really good at putting on. We all have crap days right and I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel even crappier when I feel like I am the only one having a shitty time at the party. So if that's you - please don't feel bad, you are not alone this week, the party sucks big time and I want to go home!
I'm a natural worrier and you know what they say, give a worrier a worry and they will make a three course meal out of it - well that's me and I am popping buttons at the worries at the moment.
It's nothing out of the ordinary really, stuff that millions go through everyday but given I am such a pro at worrying, a massive over thinker, anxiety prone and so God Damn tired, I am struggling a little to muster up a fakey smile.
I had a not so good pap smear result and I have to go in for a biopsy next Monday and even though I know of so many woman who have been through the same thing and are fine, I'm anxious really really anxious.
I have beautiful friends going through the most awful things at the moment and my heart just aches for them and their families and they are haunting my every thought.
I have an ever growing to do list, actually I have three, one for work, one for home and family and one for the blog and instead of being kind to myself and feeling happy and satisfied at the things I cross off, I punish myself by adding two more in its place. Because it keeps me busy and being busy means you don't have time to over think right? Wrong! You just get really tired and over think even more.
I have kids who need their mum, but their mum is so damn busy distracting herself and piling her plate with way more than she can ever get through, that she is not really listening the way she should be and I feel overwhelmed with guilt that I am not being the Mum I should be, the Mum I want to be.
And I have a husband who is so patient, so kind and thoughtful and so so tired himself and I selfishly snap at him because he is there in front of me and for some stupid reason I feel safer snapping at him than anyone else.
He brought me home the most beautiful flowers last night to cheer me up, all white, my favourite. And I cried. I cried because I was tired and emotional but mostly because I felt guilty that I have been such a moody mean cow to the man I love.
And I hate my fat ass!
So there you go, I have just spewed out my mind onto the table for all to see and I feel better for it I have to say, though I am really sorry you had to see that. But I did promise Life, Love and the everything in between didnt I?
I have a week off work next week. I'm putting my big girl panties on, getting this biopsy out of the way and find out what we need to do next. I am going to spend some special time with my boys and just listen to their endless tales with my full attention. I am going to sit down somewhere quiet and stare into space and think about nothing. And I am going to cook my hubby the best meal ever and dig around inside me until I find the woman that he misses so much.
She's in there, but she's being a bit of a wuss and she's just a little frightened of coming out and facing the chaos she knows she has created.
So thank you for all your beautiful messages, for taking the time to ask if I am OK. And if you are not really feeling 100% OK at the moment, please don't fake it, talk about it, get it off your chest - I guarantee you will feel much better for it.
And don't forget to breathe ...... just breathe!
How are you doing at the moment?
Do you have days where you just struggle to hold it together?