A Week INSIDE My Head - My Life, My thoughts UNFILTERED. Part 2 | Life Love and Hiccups: A Week INSIDE My Head - My Life, My thoughts UNFILTERED. Part 2
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Monday, 27 February 2012

A Week INSIDE My Head - My Life, My thoughts UNFILTERED. Part 2

Pin It I can't believe I wore these shorts to the shops this afternoon, shorter shorts than I would normally wear and with my scars on show. I must be feeling brave today. I despise those scars. I'm so vain.
Why am I so embarrassed by them, everyone that I have shown say they are not as bad as they expected. Are they just saying that to make me feel better? Am I seeing them in a distorted view like an anorexic thinks they look fat? I hate that I have no control over those scars, I hate not being in control full stop.

How dumb was I at shopping as I thought if I planted a massive big smile on my face to anyone that I made eye contact with, they would focus on my face and I could silently will them to not look down. I love playing that mind power game where you stare at someone and see if you can make them look at you. I suck at it and I usually cheat by coughing or making a noise to make them look.

I feel really bad about that woman near the lettuces. I think she was probably about the same age as me and I was so mean and non trusting. I could have sworn she was looking at my legs and when she raised her eyes to meet mine and smiled at me I gave her such a hard look. I can be such a cow. When she told me she liked my shoes I felt like such a vain mean fool. I was so relieved to think she hadn't noticed my scars, but now I just feel guilty and ashamed of myself and self centered. If I am too embarrassed to show the world my scars on my legs, what does that say about me as a person? How would that make someone with scars on their face or an obvious deformity they cannot hide feel?

On the way back to the car when I passed that older man pushing the younger woman in a wheelchair who had cerebral palsy I think, I smiled the biggest smile I could at her and I was hoping that she could feel that my smile wasn't a pity smile, but an admiring one and a remorseful one too. I probably just looked fake. She can't hide her scars like I can so she wears them proud. I aspire to be like that, I really do.

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I'm sitting here watching my husband play with our boys and it just makes my heart bulge with love. How did I get so lucky? I love these guys so much it sometimes hurts. It's not the love that hurts so much, but the fear that this could be taken from me at anytime. Is that normal to take something so beautiful and allow my imagination to ruin my enjoyment? I think the answer is most likely yes.
I want to play too but my legs are hurting too much to get off this couch, damn legs you are really pissing me off.

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Just remembered I haven't unpacked the kids lunch boxes from Friday and being as it's now Sunday night I bags not doing it.


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Sammy (suffers from Irritable Bowel) has been having cramps today. He couldn't eat his dinner at the same time as us tonight because his tummy was hurting. Later when he was eating his dinner he said to me "I have to pick up the dog poo in the morning because I said a prayer and asked God to make my tummy feel better and I promised him if he does I will pick up the poop. My tummy feels better now so I guess I have to pick up the poop in the morning."

Even though I laughed and smiled at the cuteness of it I cant stop thinking about all the promises I have made to God or the higher power and how many of them have I kept up my end of the bargain? No where near as many as I should have. I am afraid that will God or the universe take something away from me as punishment for breaking my promises. I really truly hope not and I really have to stop bargaining with the higher powers. How does the universe choose who to take and when? Too often it seems to happen to really good people, innocent kids, the people who don't deserve it. Did they break a promise? I can't let my mind go there tonight, actually I don't want my mind to go there ever, it makes me feel sick and breathless. I need to paint my toenails.


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The bloody dog has chewed a hole in my big red shag pile rug. Because it is shag pile you can't see it that much, but I know it's there. I keep looking at it and even though I can't see it that much I know it's there and it's bugging me. I wonder if it's a legitimate enough excuse to buy a new rug?I wonder if Martha Stewarts dogs chew holes in her rugs. She could afford to buy a new one. Milly is looking at me all guilty like, she knows I'm mad. She's doing that drop her head and raise her eyes thingy - I can't stay mad, but I do want a new rug now.



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Dammit I have just sat down to relax and I remember I have some school books to cover in contact for the kids. I really can't be assed. I'll just conveniently forget them in the morning and he can take them on Tuesday. I wonder if Angelina Jolie has to cover all her kids books in contact?

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I just smelt some Vanilla and for some reason which I have no idea why but it reminded me of a movie I love, You've got mail. I love everything about that movie especially the little bookstore Meg Ryan's character owned. I'd love to own a little book store like that, with fairy lights, paper bags with handles for the books and snow outside and a little area with cushions for kids to come in for story telling. In the movie Meg walked to work with a warm coffee in hand along pretty snow lined city streets. She looked really happy and carefree as she walked to work. I wonder if I would be that carefree and happy if I owned a little book store like that?

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 I have to go and cover the books, I don't want Sammy to get in trouble.

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I'm looking at the flowers I bought today. They're sitting here beside me on my bedside table and they are yellow. They remind me of a picture I saw in a magazine yesterday, so pretty. I wonder if the people that own that home are happy? I feel happy looking at these yellow roses. I have to buy yellow more often - they match my lampshade.




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I just read a beautiful comment that an old friend made on a Face book status of mine today. She moved away from here years ago and to be honest we really weren't that close when she lived here. She was always so fun and bubbly and we always had a laugh when we did see each other. I love people like that. She has the most beautiful family and her own business and I love seeing her status updates and photos on Facebook. I admire the way they moved away to start a new life built around their family, I admire anyone who has the courage to do that. I love those daydreams I have about moving us away to a pretty little coastal town, I love the image in my head of what it would be like. I'm scared of leaving behind my family and friends though, what if something happened and I wasn't here - something bad. I am so touched that she took the time to write that comment as it makes me feel really really special.

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Carl just told me about that friend of his who lost his arm in an accident last year. He surfed for the first time in the board riders competition today and according to Carl he ripped it up.... Man I am so inspired by people like that guy. I want to inspire. I wonder if there is anything I will do in my lifetime that will truly inspire someone like that? I'd like to think so, I'd like to hope.

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My shoes stink and that sucks as I love these shoes. I wonder if I spray them with Glen 20 they will be OK. Ohhh shoes I love you, please don't smell bad.

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I'm nervous about this post going live overnight. What if everyone thinks I'm cuckoo or weird but in a totally uncool way. What if no one wants to read my blog anymore? I'd really miss the comments on my blog and the feedback. I like connecting with people. I love blogging. I can understand why people stick to what they are comfortable with. This isn't comfortable for me yet. I feel naked and exposed. I hope they still like me when they can see inside my mind.


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