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Pssst, I am going to let you in on a deep dark secret of mine. It is not at all pretty so be prepared.......
I hold grudges.
It is not something I am proud of in anyway at all, hence why until now it has been a safely guarded secret. A secret that only my poor hubby and the individuals who I held the grudge against, knew about.
Recently I have embarked on a very interesting journey within myself. I decided it was time to give my heart and soul a good old spring clean. Let me tell you, this has not always been an enjoyable ride as I needed to deal with some "issues" that have been taking up some valuable space in my mind. And let's face it - a mummy mind does not have a lot of spare room. These "issues"
have had a tendency to at times sap my much needed energy. Please note my past tense use of 'had'. This is a very exciting milestone for me to reach in this project.
One of the things on my 'Spring Clean' list involved taking a good long look at my life and exploring ways I can maximise the joy I get out of simple everyday things. I decided I needed to Windex my eyes and my mind and view my life with a fresh new outlook.
I read a lot of books (yeah I have a habit of that when I need some direction). And everyone from Buddha, the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle, all told me that to truly enjoy the present, I need to let go of the past.
Hmmm this sounds great in theory, but anyone who understands how deep a nasty little grudge can dig it's toes in, knows this is easier said than done. But as is my way of approaching things, I have decided to completely embrace this idea of letting go of the past, roll my sleeves up and dive on in to the old grudge cupboard and start clearing it out.
Now diving into my dusty, mingy old grudge cupboard is actually no mean feat as there is so much bloody junk in there. In reality I can only just barely open the door and gaze mournfully at the complete mess I have allowed to amass in there. But as with any dreaded task you need to tackle, the key is to just get in there and make a start.
As I was sorting through the tangle of grudges, I uncovered a couple of pearlers from the box marked 'Childhood Humiliation'. I felt compelled to share these with you before I chuck them in to the big skip parked outside my front door. When I look at these grudges in print, I can actually laugh at what a pathetic excuse for a grudge they really are.
So here goes;
1. When I was 12 years I went to my friend Rachel's birthday party at Luna Park. I can recall feeling very trendy that day decked out in my new tartan pants and spiky short hairdo. Now before you judge me and perhaps prematurely label me a dag, please remember that this was 26 years ago and it was cutting edge fashion for the times. As I was waiting to go on the rotor, another little boy tried to push his way in front of me. I was relieved when his mother stepped in to put him back in his place, until she opened her mouth and spoke the words that would metamorphis into one of the biggest grudges of my childhood. She said "just wait your turn darling and let the little boy go first". That little BOY the horrible lady was referring to was me. Oh the pain, the shame, the unbridled mortification. Those words played on loop for months over and over in my mind as I painfully grew out my short spiky hair. Well lady - be gone! I'm letting you go.
2. Jump back 5 years and I now find myself back at Primary school. It was a stinking hot day and I was walking back from the canteen with my hands clutched around a precious cola Sunny Boy. I was so looking forward to sucking on that cool little beauty. I had only just managed to squeeze the frozen little sucker up from its triangular packaging (they were tough little buggers to open) when one of the boys in my class ran up to me and said "Give us a bite". Before I could protest, he had snatched my joy out of my hands, squeezed too hard and plopped my ice block onto the dirty and dusty asphalt where it immediately began to melt. It was unrecoverable and completely devastating. The little snot didn't even offer to replace it, with a shrug of the puny shoulders, he was gone and so was my Sunny Boy. I can still feel my anger rising up as I write about this, but alas - be gone! I'm letting you go.
3. I now find myself, in the 6th class and desperately longing for boobs and a training bra. My mother refused no matter how much I begged and pleaded, to buy me one. As she rightly pointed out I was flat as a tack. But I was sooo envious of the girls who got their bra straps flicked by the boys on a daily basis. This was almost too much for me to bare. So I resorted to pinching one of my mum's double D cup bras out of the laundry basket and stuffing them full of Kleenex. Ok so I went from flat to stacked overnight, but I didn't really think anyone would notice. I went to school that day in glorious anticipation of my first bra strap flick. What I wasn't expecting was for the tissues to work their way out of the bra and poke out through the collar of my shirt. Even worse, what I wasn't expecting, was my friend laughing herself silly and proceeding to tell the class that I was wearing a bra stuffed full of tissues. The teacher was so kind as she took me to the bathroom and helped me get the tissues out and remove the now humiliating apparel. But it didn't stop me plotting my revenge on my friend. Revenge never really came, but that's ok beacuse now I've got the boobs. So... Be gone! I'm letting you go!
And whilst I am feeling ever so slightly nostalgic, I will share one last dusty old dinosaur with you....
4. It's 1987 and I am dressed to the nines in my white taffeta bubble skirt, off the shoulder glow go go top, and a wide black elastic belt. I was looking pretty damn fine (in my mind anyway). I was about to head out to my first blue light disco, and at the tender age of 14 I was breathlessly holding out hope that tonight I would get my first proper pash. Not a peck on the lips, but the type of kiss I had seen on Puberty Blues where they move their head from side to side. I had my
target lucky guy chosen. A boy I had had a major crush on since I first laid eyes on him on that morning at the school bus stop. I recall planning with my girlfriends how we would orchestrate this oh so seductive moment. And whilst I cannot remember all the details of the plan we hatched, I know it involved one of my friends quietly slipping up to him and subtly whispering that she knew someone who really "liked him" and that I would be waiting out the side door for him to come and pash meet me. Well imagine the humiliation, when he did come to meet me, along with half a dozen of his friends or so, and a handful of my closest friends who I had 'allowed' to share in this life changing event with me. Worse still, the anger that rose up in me when he and his mates laughed at the immaturity and socially moronic thing I had just manipulated. I never went to another blue light disco after that night. I was eternally scarred. But it's now time to let go of that humiliation and the grudge I managed to hold against at least 5 of the 6 guys who laughed at me that night. (I forgave one as I developed a major crush on him a few months later and its hard to lust and grudge at the same time). So once again - Be gone! I'm letting you go.
As I mentioned, I am only sharing a few of the grudges I had archived from my earlier years with you for the time being. In all honesty it's all the humiliation my poor ego can cope with for now.
I am looking to the future with hope and forgiveness at the ready. I do have one exclusion clause in the small print however, I make no promises about not holding grudges when it comes to anyone doing wrong by my kids. With that said, I must get back to this Grudge cupboard as I simply cannot leave it in the state it is in.